Lovely Dailies

To know you are truly loved feels as though you are awake for the first time. Your footsteps feel different, your heart beats with more cause. I love you as well. All I know is I am insanely thankful for the smile you bring to my heart. Our time is precious and I promise to never take you for granted.


But you took me for granted in every manner. Retrospect is a funny thing.

Wowsers. First off, let me just say this is the first time I have signed in since my last post. I now live in North Hollywood on my own. In a neighborhood that has changed me for the better. Moving at a pace that bettered my heart, mind, AND body. All negativity is out of my life. I made things this way and REFUSE to let anyone control my heart anymore. Reading over my past posts are an insane insight to how much I have really changed since I started this blog. I refuse to delete my old posts, for they are a great reminder of where I never want to be again. How I walk is even different. My life flows with such beauty and tempo that I can't help but smile all the time. For once in my life, I appreciate my chubby Native American-esque cheeks and they are appreciated by those around me. A life lost and a heart gained is the synopsis of this last year. I will never let you go and I will forever be thankful for the bit of light I saw in the darkness. Ive started to finally read my Catholicism for Dummies book. Im curious. I never knew a dog could make me feel complete, but Koopa has really brightened my life. I truly, whole heartedly believe that he saved me. I love him. Im 25 now, with only a glimpse of what I want for my future. I finally figured out what I want, above all else. Happiness. Im finally getting there and I can't even express the light feeling I have in my chest. This is all for now. I promise to be regular in the posts.

To all those you may come across this. Have a good night.

Kyla.

Timing is not everything these days.

Living in SoCal has been an experience to say the least. Things are so different here. People grew up with a different set of values, see the world as though it is below them, and honestly believe always having a say in things is the way to solve things, even if someone ends up hurt in the end. I miss the dark scary woods, the freezing winters in bed, but most of all I miss being near people I can count on. My only solice in my head has been my books. I want to start sketching again. I find myself doodling on post it's all the time at work, but never take it past the vague lines. Im tired of being told negative things in hopes of getting a daily smile from me. Life doesn't turn that way. Markers eventually fade, and all I am left with is the turning of the tides, forever blinking light signals, and so many things left unsaid. " I know what it takes to move on, I know how it feels to lie, all I want to do is trade this life for something new, holding on to something I don't got. Standing in an empty room, trying to forget the past, this was never meant to last, I wish it wasn't so." I wish I could wake up with a reference guide on "how to be happy with my own perspective".

just wondering.

Why I can't just get things right? I have no clue why I am so fucked in the head and heart. I try. I really do, but it's seemingly never enough for you. Is this how my life will be, always trying with never a care or glance at progress. I need more. I need less. I need time and space. I know I hurt you and I have kept a count on your trespasses against me. But all I can do is sit and wait. Does that seem right to you?

Mama Boss.

Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours

What am I even suppose to do? What can I say to you? It's like waves in the ocean I never touched, the last rays of sun on a beach I never sat. Sulfur is always in the air with you. It's something I miss dearly. Time is not on my side, and I took the road less traveled. and ended up lost in the woods. Damp, dark, and alone. Here. Alone. Dragons and dollops of whip cream So sweet only exist in this new refurbished world, I now call home.

I thought everything was perfect. I didn't see it how you felt. I rushed in with my hands over my eyes and my heart pushed out. Ready to take over the world with you, and after awhile discovered I was running alone and in the wrong direction. Red Pinwheels of useless tears and horrible horrible fears of not knowing where you went, without me noticing. How did this happen. What did I do so right, that had me close my eyes so tight as to not really see.

You forgave my trespasses, that was a gamble I knew you would win. I loved every fiber you, and you seemingly only loved some of mine. Where does that leave me? How cold will I be without your pinky toes to pop. or your snores to adore.

My feet were firmly planted in the idea of you and I. The longevity, the support, the love we found. The right and the wrongs were all the reasons to be there, to hold you, to help you, and to hold your hand through everything. No matter how weak you may have felt, I promised you and never intended upon ever giving up. You are my talisman. Ask me to read to you what I mean by that. My words one day will be in a book dedicated to you. Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of heaven? Much as you love me - I love you more - But do not ever conceal yourself from me.

Lightening rushes through my soul, out my finger tips, all the way to your heart. I know you feel me. Even from 2292 miles away.

So this next move is crucial you say?

We all carry these things
Inside that no one else can see
They hold us down like anchors
They drown us out at sea
I look up to the sky
There may be nothing there to see
But if I don't believe in him
Why would he believe in me?♥

Please note that a heart may sink of guilt and fly of surrender. but no matter where you land or soar, your problems will always find you. I can't stop. I'm sorry that we didn't go to the same place, I thought we would, I really did, but I guess that is what I get for relying on statistical errors. To love a Nazi is to love a Basterd, so why am I so ungoddamnfuckinghappy? Shit.

Toasted Dreams and Melted Walkways.

I just found out today that is possible to fall from two places at once. To feel torn and deshelved, to feel used, abused, and missed all in the same moment. I will never understand people or thier hurtful ways, nor will I ever understand mine. Someone once told me that "We don't know what we want until we get what it is we thought we wanted." And then have the 50/50 chance of being disappointed in the outcome. I read in Romans today a very relevant passage. "because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them" 1:20. This whole passage goes on to say that anyone who refuses to believe in God is suppressing the truth, so that they can be unrighteous. They really know he exists, they just don't feel comfortable with that knowledge. And my heart sank at the thought of so much loneliness in my life and in thiers. I keep seeing See's Candies everywhere I turn, and I just want to burn all the bodies intact. I have 11 days until my heart breaks and echoes through the Aral Sea. I refuse to listen to Li any longer, all I want is quiet within my timing, and chaos in my love. But I can't have it both ways, apparently. The red flashes on and urgently as I sit in the dark, wondering where will my heart end up after all the dust settles. 7.2 today and I felt nothing. I had never noticed before how tight my chest gets at the thought of you not being there for me. You say I am your priority but you chose to not be there the day I needed you most, kept drilling me to take it all in, and didn't expect me to push you away to the furthest point possible. Well here I go, and there you wander. Let's see where the rain takes us in the morning, shall we?