just wondering.

Why I can't just get things right? I have no clue why I am so fucked in the head and heart. I try. I really do, but it's seemingly never enough for you. Is this how my life will be, always trying with never a care or glance at progress. I need more. I need less. I need time and space. I know I hurt you and I have kept a count on your trespasses against me. But all I can do is sit and wait. Does that seem right to you?

Mama Boss.

Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours

What am I even suppose to do? What can I say to you? It's like waves in the ocean I never touched, the last rays of sun on a beach I never sat. Sulfur is always in the air with you. It's something I miss dearly. Time is not on my side, and I took the road less traveled. and ended up lost in the woods. Damp, dark, and alone. Here. Alone. Dragons and dollops of whip cream So sweet only exist in this new refurbished world, I now call home.

I thought everything was perfect. I didn't see it how you felt. I rushed in with my hands over my eyes and my heart pushed out. Ready to take over the world with you, and after awhile discovered I was running alone and in the wrong direction. Red Pinwheels of useless tears and horrible horrible fears of not knowing where you went, without me noticing. How did this happen. What did I do so right, that had me close my eyes so tight as to not really see.

You forgave my trespasses, that was a gamble I knew you would win. I loved every fiber you, and you seemingly only loved some of mine. Where does that leave me? How cold will I be without your pinky toes to pop. or your snores to adore.

My feet were firmly planted in the idea of you and I. The longevity, the support, the love we found. The right and the wrongs were all the reasons to be there, to hold you, to help you, and to hold your hand through everything. No matter how weak you may have felt, I promised you and never intended upon ever giving up. You are my talisman. Ask me to read to you what I mean by that. My words one day will be in a book dedicated to you. Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of heaven? Much as you love me - I love you more - But do not ever conceal yourself from me.

Lightening rushes through my soul, out my finger tips, all the way to your heart. I know you feel me. Even from 2292 miles away.

So this next move is crucial you say?

We all carry these things
Inside that no one else can see
They hold us down like anchors
They drown us out at sea
I look up to the sky
There may be nothing there to see
But if I don't believe in him
Why would he believe in me?♥

Please note that a heart may sink of guilt and fly of surrender. but no matter where you land or soar, your problems will always find you. I can't stop. I'm sorry that we didn't go to the same place, I thought we would, I really did, but I guess that is what I get for relying on statistical errors. To love a Nazi is to love a Basterd, so why am I so ungoddamnfuckinghappy? Shit.

Toasted Dreams and Melted Walkways.

I just found out today that is possible to fall from two places at once. To feel torn and deshelved, to feel used, abused, and missed all in the same moment. I will never understand people or thier hurtful ways, nor will I ever understand mine. Someone once told me that "We don't know what we want until we get what it is we thought we wanted." And then have the 50/50 chance of being disappointed in the outcome. I read in Romans today a very relevant passage. "because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them" 1:20. This whole passage goes on to say that anyone who refuses to believe in God is suppressing the truth, so that they can be unrighteous. They really know he exists, they just don't feel comfortable with that knowledge. And my heart sank at the thought of so much loneliness in my life and in thiers. I keep seeing See's Candies everywhere I turn, and I just want to burn all the bodies intact. I have 11 days until my heart breaks and echoes through the Aral Sea. I refuse to listen to Li any longer, all I want is quiet within my timing, and chaos in my love. But I can't have it both ways, apparently. The red flashes on and urgently as I sit in the dark, wondering where will my heart end up after all the dust settles. 7.2 today and I felt nothing. I had never noticed before how tight my chest gets at the thought of you not being there for me. You say I am your priority but you chose to not be there the day I needed you most, kept drilling me to take it all in, and didn't expect me to push you away to the furthest point possible. Well here I go, and there you wander. Let's see where the rain takes us in the morning, shall we?

Impossible Yes's

Freedom comes in many forms. Whether it be through dominance or reliance, it should never be taken for granted. Tablets to be taken twice a day may make one feel better, but will only delay what is to come. To let go. To say nice things, to love one wholly. I once needed to understand why someone could love something so hideous, so pale. But once I met a dragon of similar heart, of warming love. Time seemed to never be so still in the wave of such pain. I feel so tied to everything, it all never stops. Today could have been the day I fell asleep and never woke up, if only one could be so lucky. Line after Line the weeks go by, only to find myself amongst poets,midnight riders, and lovers of the like. Dr. Dr. please come to my rescue.In Slow Motion. After The Movies. Then and only then will my smile be unhinged, only then will I feel truly bare in front of the mirror. I needed you this whole time, only to find that you were a limited edition obcession to be had. Two plane rides, two uncomfortable souls, and a desolate crowded baggage claim. The hills I climbed just to nestle right next to you is only as low as the level of sugar in my soy milk. Please get to me on time. Please say goodnight. Shots rang in the dark, Drip Drip Drip. Hey Arnold, yeah you, Football head. Gordita. I need you. Autumn roses ashes rising. Eighteen petals to count, nectar to fiend after, and love only to be found in a soulmate that was there all along. Thank you for breathing, thank you for sweeping me, Danke para sharing in so much of my longing. To be held is the goal, to be loved is the result. Only one last thing to take care of on the way out of this town that I had been stuck in for so long. The shadows creeped away, the clouds came out to play, and I finally feel free in my own heart. Welcome to DaveyDaveyDavey land. Or atleast that's the way I remember it.

Daze and Nights.

I need to let it all go. My heart will never be the same without you, but it's a good thing really. It's raining outside where the rainbows play.Life is knocking at my back door but I am choosing to keep it dead bolted. I feel like the clouds are screaming at me to get out from behind the trees,from behind my fears, and to stop shedding so many tears. The time is now, the Goonies are on, and my penmanship is horrible.This letter will never get finished.And one will never arrive. My God what did I get myself into. I'll tell you, I landed in safety, I landed in horror, I landed in the hills of Darroh. I can't believe how much I care for you, so soon , so sudden death. Where it will end, I have no clue, but to tell the truth, I don't want it to disappear, I can't breathe without it. With the knowledge that it might end, it almost makes me wish it had never happened in the first place. Heinz here and Red Gold there. You disregard my heart and how I feel about her statuesque place in your heart. I deleted and depleted his place in my life, only to find broken promises. Too much hope, not enough fire. I hope I can show you I'm not the liar. You raze my house, I'll slit your throat. The only person who will ever stay is Chester A. Arthur.Hello Goodbye.

2292

So here I am, in this cuddled cozy palace, feeling as though all the cats around me won't quit staring, wont quit purring, and won't leave me be. Apparently I am suppose to stare back. I need my days to be normal, but I have decided to be a recluse. My heart feels so alone so much of the time now that I dont know what to do with my hands. I think I will clean my mom's fridge tomorrow. This grandfather clock is going to be the end of me.

Icy Hydration Simulator

The blazing forrest which to be lost in has come crumbling down around the feet of forgotten homes and lost dogs. My fear was proven and given up solely for that See's Candy. Pages upon pages of need material were borrowed and burrowed only to be pushed into existence and fate. The lies the toad spits and anger of the lamb, leave the Lion only hoping for safety among clouds. 1234 789 is how the world will begin again. Consumed by sugar left to blaze only to find that we all could have simply said please stop.

Life's a Squeeze

Thank you for reminding why I don't take the time and put in the effort.

Who is I.

I hide behind alot of things in my life. Not because I am not brave, but because I am comfortable there. Not too many people see me for you I really am. The point of this ,thing, is to allow you here, near me. In my head, and around my heart. In the matter of my soul and spirit, most times I am lost,but there are days where I am completely content. Those days are some of my worst. I feel guilty sometimes being happy. I have encountered so much negativity in the world and sadness in others' eyes, that I feel guilty being happy. How lame is that. My eyes change colour. Some think it is with my mood, but I sometimes I feel like they are as free as the wind blows. But always guarded. Everything in my life is guarded except for one thing. My love for God. It will never cease. My chest says "I die only when God is dead." and my neck says "Blessed". Where do you think I stand?